On the up & up

If you’ve ever bought an up & up product (Target’s store brand), you’ve probably noticed that they feature brief, cute, and sometimes clever descriptions on the packages. For instance, their nail polish remover says, “Delete & Repeat” on the bottle, and their dishwasher tabs say, “Dynamic Dissolvers” on the box. I’ve always wondered about those phrases. Is there just one person who writes them, someone who sits in a cubicle all day and cranks them out? Or is there a team, kind of like the creative department on Mad Men?  And how does a person get a job doing this?

I recently discovered that not all up & up products contain these little descriptors. For the most part, it seems like it’s their more, uh, personal products don’t have them. I think I am just the person to provide that service for Target.

Tampons: Monthly Mirth or Go with the Flow

Powder Laxative: Smooth Move

Lice Shampoo: Lice, Lice, Baby

Nicotine Patches: Stick It to Kick It or Cigarette Segue

Acne Treatment: Zit Zapper or Pizza Face Preventer

Vaginal Anti-Itch Cream: Hoo-ha Ahhhhh!

Anti-Diarrheal Tablets: The Runs Aren’t Fun or The Trots Aren’t Hot

Gas Relief Tablets: Mute Your Poot or Flatulence Fix

Adult Diapers: Pants Protector or Incognito Incontinence

I feel certain that Target will be calling me with a job offer any day now.

 

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Ain’t no cure for the summertime blues

There’s only one more day until summer vacation starts and I go from being “Morning, Late Afternoon, and Evening Mom” to “All Damned Day Mom.” If my kids had their way, they would sit in the air conditioning and watch YouTube or play Minecraft for 12 hours a day, but that would probably make me a bad parent. Other than morning swim lessons for the month of June, a couple of weekend trips, a weeklong day camp in July, and Summer Bridge workbooks, I have no idea what to do with these people.

Just as with any sort of important question I may have (“Should I get bangs?” “Should I be concerned about this mole?”), I consulted the almighty Google. The suggestion I got over and over was that I need to create a schedule. Some moms had a theme for each day, like “Water Wednesdays” and “Make-It Mondays,” while others took a more detailed approach and scheduled every moment of the day. After much thought, here’s the schedule I came up with:

  1. Go to library.

I read about moms who created a summer bucket list for their kids, which consisted of an actual bucket their kids decorated and filled with slips of paper containing things they would like to do. If I let my kids do this, here’s the sort of thing they would come up with:

–          Go shopping at Justice

–          Buy more LEGOs

–          Eat candy

–          Watch Scooby-Doo non-stop for three straight days

–          Eat at a restaurant

–          Order American Girl dolls

–          Eat cookies

–          Get a dog

–          Eat ice cream

I don’t think I can trust them to know what is best for themselves. Really, there should just be one slip of paper in the bucket that says, “Lie on couch and complain of boredom” because that’s exactly what they’ll end up doing.

We’ve survived summers before, of course, but to tell you the truth, I don’t recall what we’ve done in the past. I’m guessing it was so traumatic that I’ve just blocked it all out.

I’m not made of money, and I’ve got kids of different genders who are at different points in their lives (one is ten, one is six), which further complicates things. So, I’m asking you, dear readers who are staring down the barrel of summer, what do you do with your kids?

heaven on earth

This will not be me