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I write the songs that make the whole world cringe

Little-known fact:  I was a rock star when I was a little kid.  I was the lead-singing, tambourine-wielding, Marsha Brady-hair-having  member of a kick-ass band.  Backing me up were a guy named Poppy on guitar and some other dudes whose names I don’t remember.  We had a regular gig on the kitty cat rug in my bedroom and we freakin’ rocked that place.  Some kids have imaginary friends; I had an imaginary rock band.

Although I was best known for my inventive vocal style and mad tambourine skills, I also penned many original songs for the group.  Tragically, most of them have been forgotten.   All that remains are these brilliant fragments from a few tunes:

“Cow Town Boogie”  This was, of course, a disco number.  It included such groovy lines as “Take me down to Cow Town” and “Everybody’s gettin’ down in Cow Town.”  Clearly, I had no idea what a Cow Town was, but I think if someone had given this song to the Bee Gees, they would have recorded it immediately.

“If You’re Ever in Manhattan”  This one had a whole Cole Porter vibe going on.  This part alone (which, sadly, is the only one I can recall) could have guaranteed it a spot in the Great American Songbook.

“If you’re ever in Manhattan

Come see me.

I’ll always be around

‘Cause I’m never on the town

Since you left me.”

“Boloney”  This was a reworking of Andy Gibb’s “(Love Is) Thicker Than Water” and contained the profound lyric “Love is thicker than boloney/Love is better than cheese.”  Andy might still be with us today had he known this revision was out there.

I think I missed my calling.

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