Idioms that become idiotic once you’ve had kids

“A day at the beach”  This is supposed to mean something is easy or fun or happy.  However, if you have small children, going to the beach is anything but.  If it’s just you going to the beach, you throw a towel, some sunscreen, a book, maybe some adult beverages into your bag and you’re good to go.  Take small children with you and you have to add more towels, plus swim diapers, assorted snacks, juice boxes, wipes, sand toys, sunblock, water wings, goggles, and floaties.  Forget about chillaxing in the ocean breeze because you’ll be watching your kids like a hawk in case one of them goes out too far in the water.  You’ll constantly be asked for something to eat or drink while fielding complaints that the water is too cold, the sand is too hot, and the beach is too boring.  As an added bonus, you’ll be cleaning sand out of your car for the next five years.

“A walk in the park”  You won’t be walking, my friend.  Instead, you’ll be pushing someone on a swing, holding someone up to reach the monkey bars, and removing mulch from someone’s shoe every three minutes.

“Sleeping like a baby”  Babies sleep?  Really?  No one told my kids this.

“Soft as a baby’s bottom.”  Um, ever heard of diaper rash?

“A piece of cake”  Have you ever seen a small child eat a piece of cake?  You’ll spend more time cleaning up your kid afterwards than it actually took to bake and frost that cake.  And the sugar rush that follows is just dandy, too.

“Icing on the cake”  More like “icing in my child’s hair.”

“Don’t cry over spilt milk”  Yes, you absolutely will.  Especially when your kid dumps an entire cup all over his just-changed clothes and/or your couch.

“A penny saved is a penny earned”  Until your kid swallows it.

“Mum’s the word”  When “Mum” (or “Mom” or “Mommy”) is the word, ain’t nobody being quiet.

I suck at blogging (but I excel at watching TV)

It’s been three months since my last blog entry, and I’m really, really ashamed of that.  Words like “motivated,” “disciplined,” and “consistent” have never been used to describe me, but when I started this blog over a year ago, I told myself that this wouldn’t be like all of those started-but-quickly-abandoned projects of yore (that half-finished quilt from 1990, that huge stack of cloth napkins I was going to embroider for Christmas gifts a few years ago, Moby Dick) and that I wouldn’t get sidetracked like I did 10 years ago when I was trying to write and FX showed back-to-back episodes of Beverly Hills, 90210 four times a day.  But then I discovered that Roseanne comes on eight times day.  Eight!   We TV shows six episodes and then a local channel shows two more.  And this isn’t counting the Roseanne marathon that airs every Monday on LOGO, which may or may not have resulted in my switching back and forth to watch two episodes at the same time.

I can now say with complete certainty that I have seen every single episode.  The series finale aired on We TV a couple of days ago, so I’m hoping that I can move on with my life now.  Of course, they have started up again from the beginning and the local channel is almost to the point in the series when it was at its best, so there are no guarantees that I can just look away.  Is there a 12-step program for this sort of thing?

I leave you with this, my absolute favorite scene ever from Roseanne.  Go ahead, click on this link.  You won’t get hooked the first time.

Update:  It turns out that yesterday (when I posted this) marked the 25th anniversary of the show.  I had no idea!  Also, I feel really old now.