Five things I can’t explain

  1. Why there are often random shoes on the street.  It’s always just one, never a pair, and they are just lying in the middle of the road.  Recently, a black flip-flop has taken up residence on a street I drive every day.  Where did it come from?  How did it get there?  Where is its mate?
  2. Why there is often random clothing on the street.  And why is it almost always a black t-shirt?
  3. Why school cafeterias always serve corn with pizza.  I thought this was just something that happened at my school, but, nope, after consulting with people who attended public schools all over the country, it seems that the pizza-corn combo is de rigueur.  Why?  Some things just naturally go together:  Peanut butter and jelly, beans and cornbread, bacon and eggs, gin and tonic.  But to my knowledge you can’t call up Papa John’s and order a side of canned corn with your pepperoni pizza.
  4. Why the label on the Angostura Bitters bottle doesn’t fit properly.  They’ve got a lot of verbiage on there, I get it.  But edit that shit down or make the bottle bigger or something.  It looks like they didn’t really think things through very well.
  5. Why a strange message randomly appeared over a video I was watching 30 years ago.   It was 1983 and my brother and I were watching videos on MTV (yes, MTV used to actually show music videos!).  The Kinks’ “Come Dancing” came on, and within a few seconds a graphic suddenly appeared on the screen.  It said “You’re Out Cheesy” in large, white letters and flashed on and off for about a minute or so as the video played.  Then it was gone.  Was it a transmission from another planet?  A message from God?  Who or what was “Cheesy”?  And what were they out of, exactly?



Epiphanies of stupidity

A few days ago, The Bloggess posted a list of crazy, embarrassing things that people once believed were true.   Not surprisingly, I could identify with many of those misguided notions.  It was a nice feeling, knowing that there were other people out there as dumb as I am.  For everyone, though, there comes a time (hopefully) when you realize that what you believed is actually completely wrong.  My friend Trina calls these moments “epiphanies of stupidity.”  Here are some of mine:

Water polo doesn’t involve horses, mallets, or a ball.  It’s nothing like regular ol’ polo at all, actually.  So why call it that and confuse a girl?

Roy Orbison wasn’t blind.  I didn’t know this until I was almost 30.  I mean, why else would he wear those dark glasses?  Maybe Ray Charles wasn’t blind, either.  Now I’m wondering about Stevie Wonder and the possibility that there’s some kind of music business conspiracy at work here.

Women can take showers and men can take baths.  When I was little, I only saw my mom taking baths and my dad taking showers, so I thought there was some kind of gender rule with this, kind of like how girls sit down to pee and boys stand up.

Those round, green things people hang on their doors at Christmastime are called “wreaths,” not “braids.” I have no idea why I thought this.

At church when the graduating seniors were presented with Bibles and the preacher said they contained a “blank check,” he wasn’t speaking literally.  Which explains why in the car on the way home, a frantic search of said Bible turned up empty.

Those concrete, ditch-looking things near interstates are not rest areas.  Why I thought this as a kid, I’ll never know.  Maybe it’s because 1) We rarely went anywhere or 2) If we did, my father wouldn’t stop until we reached our destination unless the car was on fire or someone’s head fell off (and even then it was kind of iffy).

Women can drink beer.  I was completely astonished the first time I saw a female friend of my parents drinking a beer.  Having only seen men drink it, I assumed it was something that women didn’t like the taste of or were forbidden to drink (which is really weird now that I think about it).

These aren’t mine (I swear!), but too good not to include:

  • A friend’s uncle thought that you should always push the “down” button before getting on an elevator–whether you were going up or down–because it had to come down to pick you up.
  • Thanks to this commercial, someone I know (whose name I will withhold to protect her dignity) thought that spaghetti grew on trees.  She was approximately 30 years old at the time (and clearly didn’t pay attention to the end of the commercial).

What are your Epiphanies of Stupidity?   Come on, I know you’ve got some.