A few days ago I saw a baby with a moustache. Okay, it wasn’t a real moustache. It was a pacifier with a plastic, baby-sized moustache on top to make it look like he had facial hair. Normal people would probably look at that and say, “Awwww!” but I just thought, “Really? It’s come to this?”
This whole ironic facial hair thing is getting out of hand, people.
I’m not anti-facial hair at all. My husband had a beard for many years, and I liked it. He was sporting it when we first met and that was one of the things that attracted me to him. However, I am anti-hipster dufus facial hair. Handlebar moustaches, muttonchops, soul patches, dreadlock beards…I don’t care who you are, most likely if you have something like that on your face, you look stupid. And some of these things just look absolutely filthy. As my friend Alexandra said, some of those beards are “the kind where tiny rodents could take up residence.” Since when did “vagrant” become a style?
If you’re like that baby I saw and can’t grow your own facial hair but are too old for a binky never fear. There is always the option of tattooing a little moustache on the side of your index finger so you can hold it up over your lip and look like you have one. Because no one is tired of that whole thing. I first noticed this phenomenon here about five years ago, which means that the rest of the world had been doing it for at least five years before that. I think it’s time to let that one go, folks. If you’re not ready to make that kind of commitment, there’s always the option of putting a moustache cut-out on a stick and holding it up to your face. I’ve seen roughly 200 photos of people on Facebook doing this. Or you could just get some face paint and draw a stache or beard right onto your face. My daughter recently ran in a 5K and instead of the usual butterflies and rainbows the girls line up for at the face painting booth, tons of them were getting faux facial hair. I gotta say, it’s a little disconcerting to see little girls with hot pink handlebar moustaches.
Apparently, facial hair isn’t just for faces anymore. There are moustache earrings, cufflinks, ice cube trays, cookie cutters, and candy molds (because who doesn’t want to eat crappy chocolate that looks like hair?).
I leave you with this limerick by Edward Lear, who must have suffered through an ironic facial hair trend back in the 1800s:
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, “It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!”